Confessions of an Unfit Foodie

“First we eat, then we do everything else. “

— M.F.K. Fisher

Do you remember that episode of Spongebob where he and Patrick thought they stole a balloon and went on the lam? Spongebob had two chocolate bars, gave one to Patrick and Patrick ate his rather quickly?

Yep, that’s me! I have always struggled with this type of mentality. I am a thoughtless, mindless eater. I’m a bored eater, an emotional eater, a stress eater. I’m also very guilty of asking my husband for bites of his food, dubbing them “the wifey tax”. And while I enjoy the food I eat, I never truly give a second thought about what I’m putting into my body. I also eat way too fast. I’m always the first to finish a meal and the first to finish seconds. Sure, I blame being a mom now for being a quick eater so I can get back to taking care of the baby, but that’s just smoke I’m blowing. I know my habits are terrible.

The truth is, I’ve always been a big girl. I hated gym in school where the other girls would tease me in the locker room or when I’d get laughed at and mocked when having to run track because I jiggled. My weight started escalating in middle school. I was bullied relentlessly. I was the fat friend that my skinny friends used for comparisons. I was “one of the guys” in the friend group because I was “a cool chick, just not date-able”. I ended my high school career weighing in at 218 pounds.

My heaviest weight was about twelve years ago. I was a short, stout 20 year old working part-time in retail, in a really crappy relationship with an abusive pill-popping, serial cheating alcoholic and I had no self esteem to put an end to it. One day, my older sister came up to me with a gentle nudge and mentioned how I should give the Atkins diet a shot. I figured, why the hell not? That’s when I stepped on the scale, the first time in years, and died halfway inside. On my 5’3 frame, I carried a whopping 265 pounds. So I started Atkins. Roughly 6 months later, I was down to 180 pounds. That was the smallest I had been since I was in middle school, I think.

Unfortunately, Atkins was not a sustainable lifestyle for me. I missed carbs way too much. All it took was eating a small bite from a birthday cake to end it all for me on my 21st birthday. And while I didn’t gain all the weight back, I did gain at least 40 of it back by the time I started a new job that September. That new job was one of the best things that happened to me. I finally had health insurance and found out I had hypothyroidism and PCOS. It actually helped me understand some of my underlying issues.

“Your body is a temple. Keep it pure and clean for the soul to reside in.”

— B.K.S. Ivengar

My new job gave me many advantages. I was working in a medical office around a lot of medical professionals. I had great health insurance. I took advantage of every opportunity to learn more about health and nutrition. I met with dietitians, binge eating specialists, nutritionists. I finally had thyroid replacement medication. I had medication to help deal with my PCOS. I was getting back on track with my health. I had friends at work that were encouraging me to go to the gym with them at lunch. I was feeling like I was in a really good place mentally.

Within four years, my weight had dropped down to 110 pounds. I was active, I was lively, I was feeling great. And then life happened. I finally decided to end my relationship with my boyfriend. He was very upset that I was losing weight. His insecurity made him more abusive toward me and I was finally brave and courageous enough to end it when I really should have ended it years ago. Because of all the weight I was carrying previously, my gallbladder had finally given out. I was rushed into emergency surgery to have it removed. It was a hard recovery and I ended up having two more surgeries due to issues with my liver directing bile into my stomach. These were all a very uncomfortable series of events that happened over the course of just months. It took its toll on me mentally and I ended up gaining about 15 pounds rather quickly.

I then met my now husband when I weighed approximately 130 pounds when I was 28 years old. Let me tell you, my husband is an amazing cook. Needless to say, the pounds came back on. When I went to my doctor’s for my thyroid check up, I made a remark to him about how much weight I’ve gained since being with my husband. While my doctor wasn’t too concerned about my weight at the time, he simply cracked a smile and said, “Well, love is measured in calories.” My husband loves me a lot. I was more active with my husband than I had been in years. We hiked religiously. We camped, even during the winter! He taught me how to long board (even though I still suck at it) and we rode our bikes quite frequently. So while my activity levels were up, my caloric intake was doubled. By the time I was 30, my weight was sitting pretty around 150-160 pounds. Then I got pregnant.

My beautiful daughter was born in August of 2019. I gained roughly 45 pounds during my pregnancy with her, which is mind blowing considering I mostly survived on peanut butter sandwiches since that was all I could stomach for the majority of my pregnancy. After she was born and we were back at home, I hopped on the scale to see it drop down to 180. So I lost 20 pounds after she was born, but I still had 25 to lose to get back to my pre-pregnancy weight.

Two months later, my husband and I packed up our bags and baby, rented a U-haul and moved from Colorado to South Dakota to start a new life in a new home and here we are now. We now reside on a small ranch of nearly 10 acres in the middle of nowhere in a town of 400. During this time, my weight has fluctuated up and down and I’m absolutely frustrated with it.

In the past three months I have gone from keto to intermittent fasting to CICO. I have dabbled in vegan and I have gone to outright binge eating. So I’ve decided to double down on science backed research of diets and exercise routines that work. My biggest goal this year is to complete a 5k. Next year, in 2021, my husband and I are planning on having an actual wedding ceremony to renew our vows after five years of marriage. My daughter will be walking in no time and I’m going to need all the energy I can get to keep up with her. Seriously, why haven’t we figured out how to bottle up their energy yet!?

So, please join me on this sentiment. We all have goals and aspirations. We all know we can achieve these dreams. It’s a matter of doing now, no longer just thinking about it.